


So much more

by PrinxietyGodfairy



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: (tagging is harder than it seems), :P, Alternate Universe - College/University, Friends With Benefits, Glasses Gays, M/M, bit of swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-27 02:40:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17758214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinxietyGodfairy/pseuds/PrinxietyGodfairy
Summary: Here he was, once again with the man he loved in his arms and a broken feeling preventing him from sleep.Why was this so complicated?





	So much more

Here he was, once again with the man he loved in his arms and a broken feeling preventing him from sleep. 

It was preposterous, really, how he could be so selfish to want more than what Patton gave him, but he couldn’t help it, the feeling always came back to him.

And now and again he would find himself in this never ending scene. 

He had known since the start, that it would end like this, but he ignored it, pushed it deep down, well, at least until it was imposible to ignore.

It had been about four months since Patton and him started -how to say it- copulating, and he couldn’t do it anymore, it was satisfactory at the start, that part couldn’t be denied, Logan could get the softness of their friendship while doing things that were beyond friendship. 

But Logan started wanting so much more than what they had, he wanted gentle kisses as well as passionate ones, he wanted cuddles that didn’t need to be preceded by sweat and moans, he wanted to tell Patton soft words of love in the depths of the night, he wanted domesticity and baking cookies and laughing and so much more, to the point were he couldn’t even enjoy their nightly endeavors, too caught up on the what if’s. 

Whenever he found himself in this lonely moments in the early mornings, where the sun was still kissing the moon goodbye and the silence of the room gave space to the noise in his head, he would wonder if Patton liked him for more than his body, for more than the shell of who he was. He knew he was... pleasant, good looking. He exercised regularly, kept a healthy life style and had help from his genes. 

But Logan was way more than his body.

He definitely loved Patton for more than his body. He loved his laugh, he loved the smiles he gave children, his intelligence, that was often overlooked by many -including him at the start-; he loved his preference for pastel colors and indifference towards other’s opinions when choosing what to wear; he loved how he stress-baked before all big exams and Logan would find tupperwares full of sweet treats filling the kitchen, he loved the way Patton was impossibly stubborn when arguing about someone’s wellbeing, he’d even grown to love the puns, oh the puns. He loved everything about Patton.

And that’s why he couldn’t do it anymore.

Sleepy grumbling fished him from his thoughts, as Patton made himself comfortable against Logan’s chest.

And as he looked at Patton’s soft expression, the glow of his skin, the peace in his smile, the fluff of his hair, he made a resolve. He was going to put his heart first and foremost. The next morning, he would tell Patton how he felt, and if Patton said he wanted things to stay the same, no matter how much it broke him, Logan would get dressed, grab the change of clothes he kept at Patton’s, feed Muffin and leave his key to Patton’s apartment on the counter. 

And leave.

And he would be okay.

It was a solid plan, and although it would be hard at first, he would miss Patton’s friendship and company over everything else, it would be like loosing a home. But he knew that if he looked back, that if he looked at Patton again, he would be too weak once more. Besides, he wasn’t the same lonely, distant person he was when he started college. He had friends now, friends who genuinely cared about him. And he was sure that Virgil wouldn’t mind holding him while he cried and then having an impromptu conspiracy theory marathon accompanied with ice cream and wine, they could maybe even do their nails as he knew Virgil enjoyed, (and he secretly did himself) and possibly cry some more afterwards. Virgil would be proud of him for not bottling up his feelings. 

He would be okay.

And with his mind set on this, Logan fell asleep.

-

When Logan woke up Patton was still asleep, curling around Logan like a koala bear, and though he despised the idea of waking Patton up, he knew that the longer he waited the less courage he would have to do this. He could already feel a tad of doubt nagging at the back of his head.

So, without moving from his place holding Patton, he started softly shaking him awake.

“Patton.” No answer. 

“Pat.” Nothing. 

“Pat wake up we need to talk.” As to which Patton answered with something that sounded to the likes of “hmmmgrrbm?”.

And as slowly as he could, Logan sat up and put a determined look on his face, preparing himself to what was to come as if getting ready for war, his hands clenched in his lap and his posture tense.

“Patton, can we discuss something?” He didn’t sound as put together as he would’ve liked, speaking with a soft, weak tone. Well, at least his voice didn’t break.

At the sight of Logan’s expression Patton’s sleepy smile was exchanged with a worried look. 

“Off course Lo.” He reached his hands to hold Logan’s, but Logan pulled away and hugged his sides, not letting anything distract him from the task at hand, Patton holding his hands would probably make him melt into a puddle of feelings.

“Are you okay?” Patton said, trying to keep the hurt from his voice.

Logan took a deep breath and started talking, but the words wouldn’t come to him.

“It has come to my attention that- I mean, um- in relationship arrangements such as ours- we um- you- it-it’s”

And Patton, sweet, patient, loving Patton looked at him with calm eyes and motioned him to take a deep breath.

“It’s okay Lo, take your time”

The soft tone and caring look Patton gave him? That’s what broke him.

“That’s the problem! You- you’re just so great Pat, you are so sweet and caring and beautiful and I, I’m doing this all wrong because i-I’m stupid and selfish and I-im not supposed to be feeling this- this things for you, but I do! And- and I can’t do this anymore, not-not this way and- and I- I’m sorry.”

And he was crying, letting all hell break loose. He should probably leave before he embarrasses himself any further. Patton’s silence was enough of an answer. 

So Logan stood up and started getting dressed and picking up his things as Patton looked at him from the bed. Logan was to focused on his task to notice the look in Patton’s eyes.

He mumbled a goodbye and headed for the door, quickly putting some food on Muffin’s plate on his way out for when she woke up. Only stopping right before closing the door, to breathe it all in, not letting himself linger too much, already feeling them emptiness of knowing he would never come here again. No more homemade cinnamon rolls or barking at three in the morning or soft pastel blankets. No more Patton. 

And as something inside Logan, something hurt and lonely, screamed at him to go back, to stay, to not leave the arms in which he had felt love for the first time, he closed the door behind him.

He cleared his thoughts as much as he could once he was outside. He would just walk to Virgil’s place, it wasn’t far, and Logan had that special privilege of being the only person to be able to just show up before noon, unannounced, and not be murdered by the short boy.

He felt his pockets for his phone, planing to cancel his lunch with Valerie and- shit. He only found a wipe for his glasses and his keys. Shit.

At least he’d forgotten to leave his keys. He’d just open the door silently, grab his phone and leave. He rushed to Patton’s door to get it over with as fast as possible, going through last nights events trying to remember where he had left it. 

He got to the door, quickly opening it and ready to swiftly take his phone and bolt, when he stopped dead in his tracks as he made eye contact with honey eyes, a small gasp leaving both of their lips at the sight of the other.

As he stood there, the thoughts of leaving his phone and running away that, for a second, plagued his mind, left him as he noticed that the beautiful eyes staring back at him were bloodshot and sad.

Logan took a step back, breaking the spell, and took a look at Patton. He was barefoot, his hair even more of a mess than the last time Logan saw him, probably because of Patton’s nervous habit of pulling at his curls, he was wearing a T-shirt and the pants he had worn the day before.

“Logan?” The broken sound had Logan’s eyes tearing up and the choke hold his heart had on his throat tightening.

“I don’t mean to bother, I am only here for my phone. I’ll retrieve it and leave”it was barely a whisper, but because of the screaming silence of the place, it was heard.

Logan began to step into the apartment when Patton spoke up again.

“Lo wait! I-I, can we talk?”

Logan wanted to answer no, he wanted to say his point had been made and it was of no use to talk it further, he wanted to stop himself from falling. But this was Patton, he was always weak when it came to Patton.

“Okay” Once again, a small whisper cutting through the quiet.

They sat down at the couch, Logan putting as much distance as he could between the both of them.

“Lo I-I need to know if you meant what you said before. I was surprised and confused and I’m sorry for my reaction, but I need you to tell me if you meant it.” If it wasn’t for the vulnerable look on Patton’s eyes Logan would’ve left with the little dignity he had left.

“I did.” Hopeless words.

A small breath, that went unnoticed to Lohan, left Patton as Logan continued. “I never intended or hoped for my feelings to be reciprocated and I am truly sorry for ruining the dinamic we had but it was bad for me because of the feelings I harbor for you so in favor of not being a nuisance or putting you in a spot where-“ he was cut off by a hand caressing his cheek.

“Lo, can you please look at me?” He did, he lifted his eyes, to be met by his favorite shade of brown looking down at him with a loving look and a shy smile that stole his breath. Patton put his forehead against Logan’s, not breaking eye contact.

“I love you Logan.” Logan’s eyes started to water again, and Patton kept speaking. “I love your freckles and your smiles and your beautiful mind, and I love your love for astronomy and I love that thing you do when you’re confused when you scrunch up your nose in the most adorable way and I love and I have loved you for the longest time. I love you Starshine” he sounded almost breathless, whispering the words to Logan as if not even the wind were allowed to hear them, they were only for Logan.

“I love you too”

And then there were sparks.

It was slow, loving, patient.

It felt more like a promise than a kiss, a promise of futures and lavender colors, of warm feelings and hushed voices. A promise that couldn’t be expressed by words.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey sweeties! 
> 
> Hoped you liked the fic! (it’s the first one I write so, yeah, constructive criticism is always welcome.) I’d had this idea for a while and I wrote it, and here we are. 
> 
> Stay hydrated!
> 
> (A friend of mine is doing commissions and they are great so if you want to check them out here’s the link: https://www.instagram.com/p/BxYbKsJpyiU/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet)


End file.
